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NeverEnding Story II
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Once upon a time there was a movie called The NeverEnding Story, and it kicked ASS! NeverEnding Story music plays with the opening and scenes from The NeverEnding Story '' '''NC': (vo) In my opinion it was one of the best family films ever. It had great atmosphere, creative characters, a complex story and some real legitimate drama. NC: So when I heard that there was another movie, I got excited as hell. I loved the first one and I couldn't wait to see another one. (beat) It blewed. NeverEnding Story II music plays as the title is shown and then several clips NC: (vo) I mean, what a cheap follow-up. For a film series that was so gripping and even challenging for younger viewers, NeverEnding Story II gave us a really watered-down, half-assed version of its predecessor. What a disappointment. NC: So, let's see why The NeverEnding Story should've (pause) ended. Several clips showing the actors and characters plays NC: (vo) First of all, I should point out that none of the original cast is in this movie. The characters are the same but none of the same actors played them. I guess you could argue that the actors were too old by that time but if Hermione's breasts... Cut to picture of Emma Watson in a tight sweater from the Harry Potter series NC: (vo) ...are still in high school, then I'll believe any age that they throw at me. Cut to scene of Bastian in The NeverEnding Story II in a kitchen holding a chicken over his head that is stuck to a skewer whilst reading from a book NC: (vo) So, our first big replacement is the overly-imaginative Bastian, who's played by Jonathan Brandis. Cut to scenes from Sidekicks NC: (vo) Yeah, you remember. The hallucinating nutball from Sidekicks. Does this kid ever play someone mentally stable? Cut to scenes of Bastian from The NeverEnding Story NC: (vo) Now granted, the one downside of the first film was the actor who played Bastian. He was kind of a wimp and really annoying. Cut back to kitchen scene from The NeverEnding Story II NC: (vo) But that all changes here. In this film, he's really a wimp and kind of annoying. So I guess it balances out. NC: On top of that, it's just not that great a performance. I mean it's better than the first film, but I... Voice: Ahem. (The Critic turns to his side to find an animated "Elephant in the Room" staring rather disappovingly at him) NC: Yes. Elephant: Don't act like you don't see me. NC: What? What're you talking about? Elephant: You've been ignoring me since the beginning. Don't act like you don't know why I'm here. NC: No, I don't. I mean, is it the Jonathan Brandis kid? I mean, what about him? Elephant: You know he commited suicide. (The next two lines are spoken simultaneously) NC: Oh, you're gonna bring that up. You're seriously going to bring that up. You know that's a little grim for a comedic review. Yeah, ever think of that? Something really mature. Elephant: Everybody's thinking about it. They're wondering if you're going to address it and you're just tap dancing along it like some sort of idiotic moron. NC: You know, you know alright. Fine, I'll address this. NC: (vo) In 2003, Jonathan Brandis committed suicide. Any death is tragic and this one is no exception. And you know what? His acting wasn't half bad. I remember him on SeaQuest and Ladybugs and stuff. Even though the film choices weren't always good, he usually did OK. He was a relatively decent actor. NC: I just don't think that he did especially well in THIS movie. And it's not his fault. I mean, it's a horribly written character. He's a dumbass, as you'll see in a few moments. So, just to make it clear: I have nothing against Jonathan Brandis as a person. (to the elephant) There, is that good? Elephant: ... Gee, that was awkward. NC: You know? Fuck you, you goddamn elephant! (Burger King joke) ''No, no, no. Not that. Not that. Forget it. ''Cut back to a scene of The NeverEnding Story II at a pool NC (vo): So we see Bastian in swimming class, where...(boy passes in front of the camera) Hi, Speedo! ...where his teacher calls him...(another boy) ''Hi, Speedo again!...and wants him to try the big board...(Bastian comes out of the pool) Hello, humorous clown shorts. '''Teacher': We're gonna start... with the high board. NC (vo): But it turns out that Bastian is afraid of heights, and has trouble confronting his fears. Once Bastian's up on the diving board, he starts to visualize a raging waterfall. Cut to the NC NC (scared): Oooh, nobody said there'd be diving in diving class! Back to Bastian atop the board Bastian: I got a cramp! Teacher: High wimp factor, Bastian? Bastian: Sorry, coach. Cut to a scene in a kitchen NC (vo): So he doesn't jump off as he goes home to a disappointed father, played by your standard Alan Thicke impersonator (John Wesley Shipp). Father: Well, the dressing is common courtesy, Bastian. Some gotta learn, by the way. Look at that old rag you're wearing. NC: He has a point there, Bastian. You do sort of look like an outworld Star Fox pilot. Bastian: Mom made it! NC: Ouch... Elephant appears Elephant: You need me again? NC: No, I'm good. Elephant: Hrm. Cut back to movie NC (vo): So Bastian goes upstairs and pouts about how his relationship with his dad isn't as good as it used to be. NC: Hey, uh, just a random question here, um... Scenes of the original NeverEnding Story's ending are shown NC (vo): ...remember how in the last film it ended with him flying a Luckdragon over the city, chasing down some bullies and exposing a never-before-seen creature before hundreds? Cut back to NeverEnding Story 2 , with scenes in the scene NC (vo): Are we just never gonna address that? Didn't make the news or anything? "Flying luckdragon eats children", that never made the front page? Surely someone must have twittered about it! Cut to a Twitter post by "Andrew, School Bully", reading "OH, MY GOD A FUCKING DRAGON! I SWEAR TO GOD A FUCKING DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!" Cut to Bastian going to a book shop NC (vo): So Bastian goes to the only returning actor in this movie, the librarian, as he's trying to find a book about how not to be a pussy. Librarian: I'll look in my section on courage! A scene where Bastian finds The NeverEnding Story book NC (vo): But he suddenly hears a whispering voice from an old, familiar book. Librarian: That book has too much on you. Bastian: But it's "The NeverEnding Story." I've already read it. Librarian: Ahh, but have you ever read a book twice? Books change each time you read them. NC (mimicking his voice): For example, if you read The Velveteen Rabbit again, it's really about NAZIS! Bastian: I really wanna read it again! Librarian: No, no, no. Bastian: Let me borrow it, please! Librarian: No, Bastian! Bastian runs away with the book. Willy Wonka saying "Stop, don't, come back" is shown before going to Bastian reading. NC (vo): So as Bastian goes to read the book again, he finds it truly is a little different. One of the snakes in the cover comes alive and stares at Bastian NC: Well, that's inviting. A scene where Bastian reaches into the cover and pulls off the AURYN. NC (vo): He finds that the AURYN symbol on the front can actually be taken off now. Bastian enters Fantasia NC (vo): But not only that, he can enter the fucking book! Bastian: Fantasia! Image of a Fantasia city NC: Uh, just pray it's not Fantasia 2000. The annoying celebrity cameos will be through the roof! Back to the film, Bastian staring at the city NC (vo): So while Bastian admires how... modelish Fantasia looks... (Cut to the villains castle) ...we cut to the hideout of our villain, who lives in the terrifying 'Castele Cliché'! A birdman, Nimbly, is shown Nimbly: I came as fast as I... The faceless villainess uses a spell to put a woman's face on herself NC: Uh, I guess she had to put her face on. (he smiles and puts his hand on his ear as boos are heard) Back to the villainess NC (vo): This evil villainess is Xayide, also known as "the Emptiness". Yeah, 'cause it doesn't sound anything like "The Nothing", does it? I don't know why she looks like Jessica Rabbit while skydiving, but I do know she has a diabolical plan to destroy Bastian, as well as Fantasia! A white creature with a monocle, Tri-Face, speaks Tri-Face: Every time the earthling uses AURYN to make a wish, my new invention makes him lose a memory! With each wish, the liquid in his head forms a memory bowl! Nimbly: What happens when the earthling has lost all of his memories? Tri-Face: The beaker at the bottom is full... Xayide: ...and the Earthling's head is empty! NC: Oh, please. You can show him Biodome and it'll have the same effect. Cut to Nimbly going after Bastian NC (vo): So Xayide sends her henchman Nimbly to greet Bastian and try to trick him into making some wishes. Nimbly: You have AURYN! It fulfills all of your wishes! Cut to Bastian in a city NC (vo): So Bastian admires Silver City, not Mexico, as he looks around and admires just how... (two dancers pass by) weird it is. Scenes of Silver City's inhabitants Bastian: Everything seems fine in Fantasia! NC: FINE? Fine? ''Maybe for Burning Man, but this is pretty fucked up to me! ''Cut to crab monsters attacking Bastian NC (vo): But then Xayide sends down her pretty silly looking minions to spread chaos throughout the town. The monsters attack - while the Power Rangers theme plays and scenes of Rita Repulsa are shown Rita: So, you think you can stop me, do you? Take that! (Rita shoots a spell, cut to a monster flying in front of Bastian, then to Rita laughing. Bastian runs and stops in front of a pool) Bastian: Acid! Nimbly: Wish them away! Bastian: Nimbly! NC (vo): Uh, yeah, cockadouche has a point. Why don't you just wish them away? Nimbly: Just wish! Scenes of Nimbly throwing a rope at Bastian, who climbs it as a monster attacks NC (vo): Uh, hi? This makes no sense. I mean, I know if he makes a wish, he loses a memory. But...he doesn't know that! His life is at stake! Why doesn't he just wish them to blow up or something? Bastian: I'm safe! NC '(vo): And an idiot. ''Bastian falls down a trapdoor '''NC (vo): So he falls down some sort of secret chute, as he comes across... (weird creatures shown) I don't know...but they provide a way for Bastian to talk to the Childlike Empress. Empress: We need your dreams and stories to exist, but the people in your world no longer believe in us. They have no time to give us names and stories. NC (childish voice): I blame violent video games and reality TV. Empress: Only you can save us, Bastian. You are my last hope. An unimpressed Critic is shown... and splats with his hand a hologram of Princess Leia '' '''Princess Leia': Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. NC (vo): So it turns out Bastian not only has to find the evil, but he also has to name it in order to destroy it. Bastian: The Empress is being held prisoner, and before we can fight the force that is holding her, I must give it a name. NC: Well, why don't you name it after your mother, like in the first film? What was her name again? Bastian: (screaming out the window) MOONCHILD!!! NC: Yeah, call it that. Cut to Atreyu arriving at Silver City NC (vo): But luckily, Atreyu shows up to help Bastian on his quest. And give 'em some credit, they actually did pick a Native American kid this time. Atreyu: People talk about a castle that looks like a hand. Some say that's where the giants come from. Bastian: So that's where we should be heading. NC (as Atreyu): Just don't ask us to go through any Swamps of Despair. My horse is still manic depressive. Horse (offscreen): The only point of living is dying! NC: Shut up, Artax. Cut to the movie, the AURYN shining NC (vo): So Bastian gets the idea of wishing a giant monster to go after the evil castle. But that sorta backfires. A dragon spitting fire is shown, Bastian screams NC (vo): ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER, ZUUUUL! Atreyu is leaving Bastian: What are you gonna do? Atreyu: Chase it. Falkor: Did somebody say chase? Bastian: Falkor! NC (vo): Hey, it's our favorite flying tampon! Bastian riding Falkor NC (vo): So they go after the fire-breathing monstrosity as they bravely load the stock footage from the first film! Scenes of Atreyu on horseback NC: Hey, look! Atreyu is suddenly a lot taller and white! Scenes of Falkor chasing the dragon Bastian: '''Go for it, Falkor! '''NC (vo): Oh, hey, uh, just an idea here, um... Why don't you wish the fucking thing away?! In fact, why don't you wish all the bad guys away? This makes no sense! If he makes a wish, he loses a memory. Yeah, I got that. But, why doesn't he just wish the Memory Machine away? They never say there's any limitations, so this movie should be over in, like, 2 seconds! NC: He can be just like... I wish for a gun.'' (Gun magically appears in his hand, a ball comes out of the machine)'' 'I wish for that machine to disappear. (Machine disappears with a *poof*; Xayide has a sad face pasted on her face)'' Bye! (Shoots Xayide, puts down the gun, then dances to the film's theme song) Cut to a scene where the hand castle fires lasers at the dragon '''NC (vo): So the dragon is zapped by the evil castle as we come across an old familiar friend, the Rockbiter! (a baby Rockbiter appears between his legs) And... son? Rockbiter: Meet Junior! NC (in Rockbiter's voice): Don't ask the graphic details about how we reproduce. Let's just say I should have used rock control. Cut to scene with Bastian's father and the librarian NC (VO): Meanwhile, in the real world, Bastian is missing, and his father goes looking for him at the book shop. Father: I found this book in my son's room. It has your address inside the cover. Librarian: (showing the inside is empty) Where? Father: I saw it there myself, last night. NC: (vo, in librarian voice) Look, we just sell Mogwais and frogurt. Anything else isn't my department. Librarian: Maybe... Father: Where did you last see him? Librarian: Maybe you'll find the explanation for your son's disappearance inside. NC: (in librarian voice) Inside my trunk. He's quite the little fighter, I tell ya. Cut to scene in Fantasia NC (VO): So Atreyu meets up with Bastian as they try to figure out a way inside the fortress. Atreyu: (draws three arrows in the sand) So, that's the plan. NC (VO): Wh... Three arrows, that's your plan? Yeah, Napoleon himself couldn't have come up with something better! Bastian: It's dangerous, but it just might work. NC: The second arrow looks especially dangerous. NC (VO): So they try sneaking into the castle, while the lasers seem to be playing Missile Command, but Bastian gets caught in one of the beams. Bastian is stuck in a beam, Atreyu gets the AURYN and makes it reflect the beam, destroying the shooting structure Bastian: You saved my life, Atreyu! Atreyu: Yes... but you would have done the same for me. NC (VO): Riiiight? (Bastian just gasps) Riiiight? Bastian: Sure. NC (VO): Oh, my God, this kid's a dick! Is that really what you wanna say to your rescuer? If someone saved you from a burning fire, would you be like...? NC: Oh, thank you so much. Just a heads up: if you were in the same situation, burning alive in a tall building, I would probably get pizza. Nothing personal, I just can't stand your guts. Scene of the crab monsters attacking NC (VO): So the guards come out and try to stop them from entering the castle. This looks like a job for Faberge Eggs! Bastian and Atreyu approach large colored eggs. Atreyu rolls one saying "Go". Circus music is heard in the background as radio-controlled puppets come rolling out, shooting sparks NC (VO): So while this... Mexican fiesta is going on... Scene shown with the Mexican hat dance in the background NC (VO): ...Bastian manages to get inside, but Atreyu is caught by the guards. Bastian tries to reach for Atreyu, who is chained up inside the castle; then a guard extends a buzzsaw, and begins to cut through Atreyu's chain NC (VO): OK, seriously, he's not wasting a wish to save his best friend? What kind of asshole kid is this? I've seen more kindness at a skinhead rally! Atreyu and Bastian, now safe, are cornered by guards Atreyu: We need weapons. Bastian: I wish for... a spray can! (a spray can appears on his hand) NC (VO): Wh, wh, wh... a FUCKING SPRAY CAN?!!! That's the best you can come up with?! What is the imagination in this kid??! I thought he was like the last great dreamer or something and all he can think up is a fucking spray can? NC: The fantasies he thought up in Sidekicks were more impressive than this! In fact, he should just wish for Chuck Norris! A picture of Chuck Norris in front of an American flag and fireworks is shown. A high-pitched voice yells, accompanied by organ music "A-CHUCK-A-NORRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!". '' ''Scenes of Sidekicks and NeverEnding Story II play, with Mortal Kombat's theme in the background NC (VO): Yeah! They can turn everybody into ninjas, have a rockin' battle, everything will be awesome, it'd be the coolest adventure ever! But no, we get spray cans. Honest to God, spray cans. I have no remorse for this little idiot if something bad happens to him. Xayide appears Xayide: I am Xayide. I admit defeat. Bastian: So, you're the one who makes everything empty Xayide: I control all that is empty. Bastian: Just to control things, you destroy stories and books? NC: Sounds like the producers. NC (VO): So she tells them that she can release the Childlike Empress, but only if she's closer to the tower. So they take her as a prisoner to the tower, where they... Falkor with red eyes is shown NC (VO): WHOA, what's up with Falkor's eyes there?! Falkor: I am not going to carry that woman. NC: Was he just, like, possessed by the Devil for a second? Falkor: (As Regan in The Exorcist) Stick your cock up her ass, you motherfucking worthless COCK-SUCKER! NC (VO): So Bastian rides with Xayide in a... pretty stupid looking parade float... (cut to Bastian's father in the real world) as Bastian's dad goes back to the book store, only to find everything's disappeared. Cop: Looks like there hasn't been a book store here in a long time! NC (VO): So literally, the books just disappear because nobody's reading them? Come on! This isn't nearly as subtle as the first movie! NC is next to his NES NC: That's like saying my Nintendo will disappear if I stop playing with it. (NES starts to vanish) No! NO! NOOO!!!﻿ NINTENDO!!!!! NES: (in Mario's voice) Sorry, Critic, you stopped a-playing with me! NC: WHY, WHY? NES: Enjoy﻿ your PlayStation 3, cock-maggot! NC cries, then returns to the movie NC (VO): So while they're in Xayide stained glass dradle, she starts to convince Bastian that his friends are out to get her, and that she's the only person he can trust. Atreyu: How can you believe her? How can we even be sure she's going to help us free the Childlike Empress? Bastian: I can tell when someone lies to me. NC: (as Bastian) I'm sure we can trust a woman who lives in a spidery castle and has tried to kill us on several occasions. NC (VO): So she continues to turn Bastian against his friends, mostly because he's stupid. Bastian: You're jealous because I have AURYN and you've come to take it away from me! Atreyu: Every time you use AURYN, you lose one of your memories. Bastian: Why don't you just go back and play with your buffaloes? (insultingly) Country boy. NC: (as Atreyu) Idiot wisher! NC (VO): So they both get in a fight, and Bastian tosses Atreyu off the rock. You ever noticed Atreyu is a sort of a shitty great warrior? But Bastian finds out what a prick he's been when he sees everything Atreyu said was true. Unfortunately, Falkor has flown him away before Bastian could apologize. Bastian goes after him as his father discovers that the book really is alive, and that Bastian's life hangs in the balance. Father: (voiceover, reading the book) Xayide and her giants drove through the Earth and into the underworld of Fantasia. Here, they could travel with the speed of darkness, which was faster than the speed of light. Albert Einstein: BULLSHIT! Father: (voiceover, reading the book) They would find Bastian in no time, and force him to make his last wish. Nimbly flies to Bastian NC (VO): But luckily, Nimbly has a change of heart, as he tells Bastian how to get back. Nimbly: Behind those rocks, you'll find a path through the mountains. Bastian: Come with me. Nimbly: He who spies and flies away...lives to spy another day. NC (VO; as Nimbly): Yeah, I don't get it either. Goodbye! (Nimbly flies away) NC (VO): So Bastian makes it to Falkor, only to discover that Atreyu has little to no life left. Bastian: I have two wishes left, Falkor. Falkor: You will have lost your most precious memories. Bastian: My mother... and my father. NC (VO): But wait a minute! He still has memories of Fantasia, he still has memories about how to talk! How can he be down to his last two? Bastian touches the AURYN Bastian: I wish for nothing more in the world than for you to live, Atreyu! Atreyu starts to wake up NC: Well, you got both wishes. Atreyu lives, but there's nothing more in the world. Good! Xayide appears NC (VO): But then Xayide finally shows up. I guess the speed of darkness is pretty slow, considering they just NOW caught up with him. Xayide: Make your wish! Bastian: Yes, Xayide. I will make my last wish. I wish... for you to have a heart! Xayide looks shocked, and drops a tear NC: (voiceover, as Xayide) Drat! I've been foiled by The Power of Love! Xayide explodes, taking her monsters with her Cut to the NC's room, where Ma-Ti appears Ma-Ti: (thrusting his fist) HEAAAART! NC: No, no, no, it's cool. Ma-Ti: What? NC: Yeah, yeah. They've got taken care of. Ma-Ti: Aw, man! The one time I can use this fucking thing and it doesn't do shit! Back to the movie NC (VO): So, because hearts apparently cause people to explode, Fantasia is back to normal, and the Childlike Empress is set free. Empress: You have found the only wish powerful enough to save us, Bastian. NC: (as the Empress) Apart from "I wish Fantasia was saved". (normal voice) Why didn't you do that again? NC (VO): But Bastian still has to go home. And unfortunately, the only door way back is the ironic one. Bastian stands in front of a raging waterfall Bastian: (afraid) That's the way home? Empress: Yes, Bastian. It's the only way. NC: (as the Empress) There's also the tunnel of fluffy pillows, but it's being repainted. Bastian jumps into the waterfall NC (VO): So Bastian makes his leap of faith and finally returns home. Bastian hugging his father NC (VO): The only upside in ANY of this is that while the credits roll, I get to hear that kickass song again. Limahl's "The NeverEnding Story" plays while the credits roll and the Critic dances... then the song is cut NC: Aah, what the hell?! You couldn't even give me the entire song?! Oh, you half-assed, nincom-shit! In fact, everything about this movie is half-assed! Scenes of the film play NC (VO): The story's not interesting, the message is taken WAY too literally, and, of course, the logic just makes no sense! Why would a kid who can wish for anything wish for nothing? He has the powers of a god, and what does he fucking wish for? A goddamn spray can! NC: This movie is bullshit, from beginning to end! But, on a happy note, I am very satisfied that this is the very last NeverEnding Story movie. They never made another godawful sequel that I would have to review! Voices: There's a NeverEnding Story III! Critic, there's a NeverEnding Story 3! The Critic gets a remote control, and turns the music up high enough to drown out the chorus of voices NC: (smiling) What? What? I can't hear you. Oh, well. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Walks off while the NeverEnding Story song plays, and the voices still talk about the third part. Ending tagline--Bastian: A spray can! 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